Oh, this is such a dated question.
This must have been asked a million times. But remember, new lovers are born everyday.
I remember whenI was a newbie in love, I would always get excited everytime I meet someone new. I would even write my name and the new guy's name and see how it sounds. So, there must have been so many Mrs. Coralyn X that I scribbled through my young years.
But this "Is he the right man?" big Q is not limited to teens. I know of women in their thirties and forties asking the same question, but perhaps with a bit more maturity.
Of course, I do have my own ideas. In fact, I wrote about it extensively in my book, www.hellogoodlove.com, but I really would like to hear from other people. Please, if you've got ideas, let me know.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
4 Magic Words: "Tell Me About It"
This is one of those relationship stories that I was privileged to be privy with.
My very good friend, Daniel (of course, this isn't his real name) has been married for 14 years, a good seven years of which he had been philandering. He told me this was a classic case of the seven-year itch.
I don't know his wife very well, but from his stories I could already imagine a witch reincarnated. Looking at Daniel, a nice, kind, pleasant-looking man who is successful in his career I cannot fathom why he ended up with a witch. Having been exposed to serial philanderers, I was quite sure he was exaggerating; obviously to justify his unfaithfulness.
Here's how he described his wife: She is the kind of woman who thinks of nothing but shop, with his money, of course. A classic hoarder, she has bags full of new, unused clothes in her closet, but just the same, continues to feel the urge to swipe that precious supplementary card.
This is something he can take. After all, our dear Daniel is quite a generous man. But the witch is not just an impulsive shopper. She also has a very mean tongue; and I mean, Mean. She criticizes Daniel from head to toe, always belittling his accomplishments. On the domestic front, she is no Martha Stewart either. She doesn't cook, and refuses to do any housework. Her main hobby is to exercise her vocal chords by berating Daniel all the time.
Just like a Hollywood movie, our poor hero decided enough is enough. Here is how his epiphany came: They were crossing the street and the "witch" was, as usual doing her usual vocal chords stuff. Daniel used to be really bothered by this and being, an amicable person, he always tries to pacify her. Either by just being quiet or just admitting that he is at fault and offering a "peace gift" which normally comes in a permission for further card swiping.
But his time, he couldn't forget that day, he suddenly felt very light. As if in a scene from a movie, the sound suddenly muted and he felt he was floating in air. He suddenly felt liberated. He suddenly realized he doesn't have to put up with any of this anymore. At that single moment, he liberated himself.
I thought the story was quite interesting but I still wasn't convinced that his wife could be such a witch. Until..........................I met her.
She was everything he said and so much more. It made me think (I am sorry, but this is really cruel), it can only be a supernatural force that led him to her. This person was totally reeking of negativity and venom that even I, who normally befriend others easily, almost picked a fight with her.
To cut the story short, I started to emphathize with him. I couldn't fault him for looking for some solace in another person's arms.
Soon after his epiphany, he met another woman. She wasn't much of a looker but she seemed to make Daniel happy. I haven't seen Daniel so radiant, he was almost like a blushing bride. He looked so much younger and had a spring in his walk.
He has fallen madly in love with her.
When I asked him, what us it that makes him so crazy about Divine. He has this to say. The "witch" never appreciated him. She never showed any interest in what he does. She takes every opportunity to belittle him, comparing him other men, with him, always in the losing end.
Contrast this with Divine: She asks him every single night, "How was your day? Tell me about it."
Four words, "Tell me about it" but it can mean the world to a person, be it a man or a woman. It means you are interested. It means you care what happened. But more than anything, you are giving the other person the opportunity to shine, to brag about himself and his accomplishments to a very willing audience. Even if the day was insignificant, even if it wasn't favorable, you have just given him a platform to express himself, to be at the center stage. He can recount the day as he sees fit, he can berate his boss, criticize his colleagues, whatever.
Divine was no therapist but she knew a secret to making men happy. With her four magic words, she makes Daniel feel good about himself and that makes him feel good about their relationship.
Unfortunately, this relationship also did not last long. But that's another story.
My very good friend, Daniel (of course, this isn't his real name) has been married for 14 years, a good seven years of which he had been philandering. He told me this was a classic case of the seven-year itch.
I don't know his wife very well, but from his stories I could already imagine a witch reincarnated. Looking at Daniel, a nice, kind, pleasant-looking man who is successful in his career I cannot fathom why he ended up with a witch. Having been exposed to serial philanderers, I was quite sure he was exaggerating; obviously to justify his unfaithfulness.
Here's how he described his wife: She is the kind of woman who thinks of nothing but shop, with his money, of course. A classic hoarder, she has bags full of new, unused clothes in her closet, but just the same, continues to feel the urge to swipe that precious supplementary card.
This is something he can take. After all, our dear Daniel is quite a generous man. But the witch is not just an impulsive shopper. She also has a very mean tongue; and I mean, Mean. She criticizes Daniel from head to toe, always belittling his accomplishments. On the domestic front, she is no Martha Stewart either. She doesn't cook, and refuses to do any housework. Her main hobby is to exercise her vocal chords by berating Daniel all the time.
Just like a Hollywood movie, our poor hero decided enough is enough. Here is how his epiphany came: They were crossing the street and the "witch" was, as usual doing her usual vocal chords stuff. Daniel used to be really bothered by this and being, an amicable person, he always tries to pacify her. Either by just being quiet or just admitting that he is at fault and offering a "peace gift" which normally comes in a permission for further card swiping.
But his time, he couldn't forget that day, he suddenly felt very light. As if in a scene from a movie, the sound suddenly muted and he felt he was floating in air. He suddenly felt liberated. He suddenly realized he doesn't have to put up with any of this anymore. At that single moment, he liberated himself.
I thought the story was quite interesting but I still wasn't convinced that his wife could be such a witch. Until..........................I met her.
She was everything he said and so much more. It made me think (I am sorry, but this is really cruel), it can only be a supernatural force that led him to her. This person was totally reeking of negativity and venom that even I, who normally befriend others easily, almost picked a fight with her.
To cut the story short, I started to emphathize with him. I couldn't fault him for looking for some solace in another person's arms.
Soon after his epiphany, he met another woman. She wasn't much of a looker but she seemed to make Daniel happy. I haven't seen Daniel so radiant, he was almost like a blushing bride. He looked so much younger and had a spring in his walk.
He has fallen madly in love with her.
When I asked him, what us it that makes him so crazy about Divine. He has this to say. The "witch" never appreciated him. She never showed any interest in what he does. She takes every opportunity to belittle him, comparing him other men, with him, always in the losing end.
Contrast this with Divine: She asks him every single night, "How was your day? Tell me about it."
Four words, "Tell me about it" but it can mean the world to a person, be it a man or a woman. It means you are interested. It means you care what happened. But more than anything, you are giving the other person the opportunity to shine, to brag about himself and his accomplishments to a very willing audience. Even if the day was insignificant, even if it wasn't favorable, you have just given him a platform to express himself, to be at the center stage. He can recount the day as he sees fit, he can berate his boss, criticize his colleagues, whatever.
Divine was no therapist but she knew a secret to making men happy. With her four magic words, she makes Daniel feel good about himself and that makes him feel good about their relationship.
Unfortunately, this relationship also did not last long. But that's another story.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Yes, You can Create the Love you Want
As promised, here's an excerpt from the book:
Create the love you want
Have you ever resolved to start a new life only to find the same situation following you?
Same impossible boss. Same scheming co-workers. Same unhappy relationship. Same uncaring, insensitive boyfriend. Can the same people be following you?
There is an old story of a gatekeeper of a town who was approached by a traveler looking for a new place to settle in. The traveler said to the gatekeeper, “I am thinking of moving to your town”. The gatekeeper replied, “How was your old town?” The traveler said, “Oh, it's disgusting. The people are rude and unfriendly”. The gatekeeper said, “ It is amazing but those are the exact words I would use to describe the people here. It would be better to look for another place”. So the traveler went on.
A second traveler approached the gatekeeper. He also wanted to move to a new town. The gatekeeper asked, “How was your old town?” “Oh, the people are great. They are kind, generous and friendly”, replied the traveler. The gatekeeper said, “That is amazing. Those are the same words I would use to describe the people here. Please come in and stay with us for a while”.
Wherever you go, you take yourself with you
The gatekeeper knew, “ Wherever you go, you take yourself with you”
If certain scenarios keep showing up in your life it may be time to examine yourself. Remember, in all of these scenarios, there is one common ingredient: you. So you are not stuck in the scenarios, you are stuck with you!
If you think your life is not the kind of life you deserve, if you think the relationship that you have is not the kind that you want to have, if you think that the man you are with now is not the person you should be with, it may be time to examine yourself. Examine closely the role that you play in your life and your relationships that cause these scenes to be repeatedly played out.
The ancient Greeks advocated, “Know thyself”. Truly, this adage is as useful now as it was in those times.
Can you imagine how truly different your life would be if you take time out as often as you can to examine yourself. At the end of the day, ask yourself some simple questions.
How did I spend my time today?
Was I a positive person today?
Did I bring cheer to the people I encountered today?
Did I treat the people around me fairly?
Did I show love to my man today?
The answers that you give will give you a deeper awareness of yourself and of others.
Most of us spend a lot of time examining other people’s lives and situations – but rarely pause to ponder our own. If we find ourselves in a bad relationship, we rarely stop and say, “What role have I played to make this happen?” Instead, we spend a great deal of our time, and our friends’ time figuring the other person’s role.
A long time ago, I read an article that said the world is your mirror; your life is a reflection of yourself. If you want the mirror to reflect the kind of life and love that you feel you deserve, you have to work on yourself.
And as you do that, it is important to remember that wherever you go, you take yourself with you. Whichever relationship you get yourself into, you take yourself with you.
The road to good love
I have heard not a few women say that they have given up on love. They have no luck in love and that the only men they seem to encounter are insensitive, lying, cheating bastards. And to worsen things, the chances of them meeting another insensitive, lying, cheating bastard is 99%.
Do you share these thoughts?
Have you ever wondered why other women (whom you think are not as attractive, smart and interesting as you) are blessed with wonderful relationships and you have been denied?
Do you have this fear that your next relationship will turn out to be as bad as the last and it will just be a cycle of one bad love after another.
If someone tells you that you have denied good love to yourself, that you yourself created this cycle of bad love yourself, what would you say?
I think you would say, “ Of course not. Why would I want to be in a bad relationship? I want to be with a good man in a good relationship.”
Do you, really?
Your thoughts can create a new reality
A guru once said, “Man is what he thinks about all day long”.
How true. When you constantly think that your life is a struggle, you experience more struggles. When you focus on how depressed you are, you feel even more depressed. When you think that your relationship is going nowhere the more it seems to lose direction.
Your thoughts are extremely powerful. Every thought is a biochemical impulse. It is energy. The strongest thoughts create the strongest impressions in our mental atmosphere. By having the same thoughts over and over, they produce a groove in our psyche. The energy of our thoughts design our attitudes and those same thoughts attract the conditions and situations that we have been constantly thinking about.
Your thoughts can create just as it can change things. Your conscious mind makes a decision on what it wants. You attach an emotion to it and if you keep focus on your thoughts, your subconscious mind molds the Energy around you into the shape that you want.
So if your thoughts are full of negativity, that’s exactly what you will get. If you constantly think that your relationship never works, it will never work. Or if you desire for your relationship to work but you have this constant fear that it might not, you will get the same result. It will never work.
Fear is something that you have to constantly guard against. Fear is simply belief that what you want won’t happen. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you focus your mind on what you don’t want, you are impressing your mind with that very thing. Your subconscious mind sees what you are focused on, what you feel very strongly about and delivers it to you. Your inner mind cannot reason. It does not realize that it has given you what you do not want. It just created what you were envisioning with your conscious thoughts.
How do you make the power of your thoughts create the kind of love that you want?
First of all, it is important to have a child-like belief that the Universe wants you to have a happy, satisfying life. It gives you whatever you ask for. You just have to state to the Universe that you want it.
With your conscious mind, focus on what you want, your new decision, your new choice. If you have fears that it will not happen, do not worry. This is normal. With constant practice and perseverance, you can get the fear and negativity out of your mind.
You want a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship? Fill your mind with these thoughts. Feel yourself having it. Whenever you find yourself negating it, consciously substitute it with your new choice. Then trust your subconscious to mold the Energy to give you what you want. By giving your subconscious the direction and having enough faith to let go, you give it the power to manifest what you want.
This does not mean you just sit around in your home waiting for good love to come by. You have to do all you can to prepare for it. Go out. Circulate. See and be seen. The only difference now is that your negative thoughts and fears that you’ll never meet the right person is gone. It has been replaced with a positive thought that you will get only good love. And you believe that your creative mind is doing its own work.
Believe that you are worthy
To attract good love into your life, you must believe that you deserve it and nothing less will be acceptable to you. This is where your self-image and self-esteem come in. No matter how hard you try to have positive thoughts (example, attracting good love, health, prosperity, relationship), if deep inside you, you feel inadequate and undeserving, you will have difficulty attracting the good into your life. Beliefs such as, “I really don’t deserve this”, “I would not know how to handle it if I get it”, “This is what I deserve”, negate all your positive thoughts. And like all your negative thoughts, they also become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Psychologists say that our self-esteem is shaped at the age of five. At this age, you naturally become more assertive and active. Your family’s reactions to the choices you made were important in shaping your self-image. If they encouraged your efforts, applauding your successes, you learned that you could carry things out successfully. If they discouraged your efforts and you were often criticized and punished, you learned that taking the initiative isn’t the best thing to do. If you grew up in this kind of environment, you turn out to be indecisive, or you hide your talents, or you blame yourself when things go wrong. It isn’t just your family that determines how you look at yourself. Your friends, all the positive and the negative things, events that happen in your life all help shape your self-esteem.
Having a positive self-esteem should not be confused with being self-centered, being a braggart or acting superior. Far from being healthy, these are attempts to hide negative feelings of self.
What can you do to improve your self-esteem?
One way to improve your self-esteem is to take conscious control of your self-talk. These are the things that you constantly say to yourself, as well as the meanings you attach to the events that happen in your life.
“I look horrible.”
“I am so fat. I will never lose weight.”
“Nobody wants me.”
Thoughts and words like these are very destructive and self-defeating. Notice that people who constantly say these things to themselves live a life that is a reflection of their self-talk.
One excellent way to overcome negative self-talk is to use positive affirmations. Say things to yourself like:
“I like myself.”
“I am happy with myself.”
“I am a positive person and I live a positive life.”
“I am a wonderful person and I deserve to be loved.”
“I love myself and I accept love, peace, happiness into my life”
Repeat these words to yourself throughout the day. You can write then down and read them to yourself several times a day. Better still, say them out loud to yourself. Say them with enthusiasm, feeling the positive emotions surging through your body.
You can even go one step forward and record yourself speaking, with some soothing music in the background. Then play this tape when you sleep or whenever there is opportunity. You will be amazed at how this simple exercise can dramatically change the way you feel about yourself.
Appreciate to create more
When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, what is it that you like the most about yourself? Surely, there must be something. Do you like your skin? Your eyes? Your mouth? Your built? Your feet?
Try appreciating and praising it everyday and see what happens. I have tried doing this with my hair. I liked its thickness, its length, its sheen. Everyday, when I look at myself in the mirror, I admire and appreciate how my hair frames my face and how it makes me look and feel better. Over the few weeks, I noticed that my hair has responded very favorably to my appreciation. It has more bounce and it has remained healthy even if I subject it to styling and coloring aids.
Whatever you appreciate in your life expands. By appreciating something means you recognize its high value and the benefits that you receive. And the more you appreciate the more its worth multiply. You can easily see this happening in your daily life. When your man praises your cooking, don’t you want to do more of it? Don’t you start buying or reading cookbooks to try out new recipes? Now think of how you reacted when he criticized your new hairstyle, your new dress, your new make-up? Didn’t it make you angry, unhappy, unappreciated? Didn’t it make you lose confidence in trying out new hairstyles and new looks?
Criticism contracts energy while appreciation allows it to expand. To create more of what you want, appreciate what you already have. The principle applies no matter what you desire in your life. If you want better health, find something good about your health. If you want a better job, appreciate whatever makes you happy in your present job. If you want a good relationship to come your way, appreciate your relationship with yourself, with your family, with your friends. Rejoice in their company; appreciate that you are not alone. In a relationship now, but you want to see some improvement? Find something that makes you happy now. Fun together? Security? Freedom? Companionship? You may not like everything about the relationship now but your task is simply to pick one or two that you can give thanks to. Of course, if after careful thought and consideration, you couldn’t find anything worth appreciating, you may be in the wrong relationship in the first place. You may be better off just moving on to find a new one.
What about criticizing what you don’t want in your life? If criticizing contracts the Energy to create, would criticizing the things we don’t want make them go away? For example, if you constantly complain about not having enough money, why don’t you experience the opposite and have more money? Or if you constantly moan about your luck in meeting undesirable, lying, cheating bastards, why don’t you meet nice, sensitive, good looking, faithful, successful, knight in shining armor (ok, that’s too much!).
Remember, energy flows where attention goes. By constantly pouring negative emotion on what you want, you are making your lack grow. You are contracting the energy of money; you are contracting the energy of good men. Don’t waste your valuable energy on being critical of areas in your life that you don’t want.
Next time you look in the mirror, don’t focus on the new wrinkle that just appeared in your forehead. Concentrate on how your eyes sparkle when you give your killer signature smile. Next time, when you go out and all you meet are men with “loser” stamped in their foreheads, don’t despair. Give thanks that you get so many opportunities to meet men of different varieties, that when you finally meet the “right” one, you will appreciate him better.
Take time to do nothing
One of the best, but often forgotten, things that you can do in life is simply to find time for yourself. Consider yourself important enough to take time out to do nothing – just being with yourself, with no goals, no expectations. In this age where being stressed out is the norm, spending quiet time with yourself is a luxury. And it is a luxury that we sometimes don’t wish to indulge in. Because we are used to being with people at work and at play, we feel a certain panic when we suddenly find ourselves alone. Instead of delighting in our own company, we interpret being alone as lonely and miserable. When we find ourselves out with no booked activity on a Friday or a weekend, we feel a certain fear that we might be losing out on something by being out of touch with the outside world.
Spending time with yourself can and should be a very enriching experience. Allow yourself some private moments when you can just lie down, wonder and ponder about life. There is no agenda, no conclusions needed-let your thoughts freely wander. This will give you great insights to your life, your worries, your concerns, your dreams. Many people have turned to meditation to achieve balance in their life. But if you feel you are not ready for this exercise yet, you can simply give yourself some “stops” any time of the day or before you retire to bed. Try closing your eyes and take a deep breath. Focus your attention on your breathing. Think of your concerns and worries and imagine them melting away as you breathe out. You can do this every time you feel stressed out.
You can also try meditation. When done properly, meditation allows you to center yourself spiritually and will provide you with a positive flow of energy. There are a lot of books and resources on meditation. But if you are keen to start soon, you will find the Meditation 101 useful.
The end result of all these exercises is a calm and balanced mind. When you are balanced, you are more focused and you are able to deal with your life’s issues on a more positive level. To be able to manifest the things in your life through affirmation and visualization (more on this later), a clear and balanced mind is essential.
You can have the love you want:
The power of affirmation and visualization
If you have been reading self-empowerment or self-development books, chances are you have heard about affirmations and visualization. In sales and marketing, these principles are widely taught to help the revenue producers achieve their goals. But even if you are not even remotely connected to sales, you can still use the power of affirmation and visualization manifest the things that you desire in your life- including the kind of love that you feel you deserve.
Say “I am beautiful” and believe it
Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud “I am beautiful!”
How did you feel?
Did you feel natural doing it? Did you feel a positive urge of energy running through you? Most of all, did you believe what you said?
Or did you feel a lump in your throat form as if an inner voice is saying, “Get real!!” Did you feel vain, narcissistic or you can’t simply figure out how you feel, but you know it did not feel right?
If you are uncomfortable saying, “I am beautiful” to yourself, you are not alone. A lot of us have trouble with this. Most societies and cultures do not advocate praising yourself; if you do this, you will be regarded as vain, proud and full of yourself. If a little girl stares at herself in the mirror and say “I am beautiful”, chances are, her mother (unless she is an advocate of positive thoughts herself) would censure her. Growing up, the child learns that she shouldn’t say this. If she tries when she’s older, she is fighting with all the negative thoughts in her mind. It is like trying to get rid of old chewing gum stuck under your shoe. If you are in this state, you would do well to go back to that section on “believe you are worthy”. Starting with positive affirmations like “I like myself” every morning can ease your graduation to “I am beautiful”.
The beauty that I am talking about here is not the beauty of “supermodel” and “cover girl types. Of course, if you are blessed with such physical gifts, you are lucky. After all, being gorgeous never hurts. What I am talking about here is the beauty that emanates from you. No matter how you look like there is beauty inside you that is waiting to be released. Believe me, I am not just trying to be kind to the less endowed.
Have you ever wondered why some women whom you considered as “borderline” cases (short for almost ugly, and you were being kind) manage to get their fair share of attention from men? How often have you seen an “unattractive woman” in your standards being showered with so much love and attention by a man who wouldn’t even give you a second look?
I have often wondered about the mystique of these women myself. But now I think I have found the reason for their “attraction”. They are not beautiful (by the usual standards) but they radiate beauty! They believe they are beautiful beings that deserve the best in life. They are happy with themselves. Their looks aren’t perfect but their confidence and “no hang-up” approach to life attracts men. The positive energy that this self-confidence brings is infections. Remember that the world is your mirror. It simply reflects the way you feel about yourself.
You can radiate the same kind of beauty by building it up within yourself. Try saying “I am beautiful” while smiling to yourself in the mirror and before you retire to bed. Do this while appreciating the features that you like in your face, in your body.
I shared this “I am beautiful” exercise with a friend who has been overweight for some time. After a few weeks of doing affirmations, she was pleasantly surprised when her friends and colleagues started saying she was glowing and she looked younger. Some even said she was sexy, despite her weight.
After you have become comfortable with telling yourself you are beautiful, you can gradually ease into using affirmations as part of your daily life. You can add other things to say apart from “ I am beautiful”. You can start saying, “I am fit and healthy” if you want to lose weight. A good friend who believes in the power of affirmations swears by saying, “I look 10 years younger than my age” as the secret to her very youthful looks.
Make affirmations work for you
There is nothing complex about affirmations.
Affirmations are simply what we say or think. They are your statements about you and your outlook in life. It can be a means to skillfully transform the Energy in this Universe to manifest what we want in life.
The root word of affirmation is affirm, which means to validate, confirm, state positively.
Unfortunately, and maybe unconsciously, we use negative affirmations all the time. Are these familiar?
I hate myself
I look horrible
I hate my job
How can I do that? I am so stupid?
I am so unlucky. I meet all the horrible men all the time.
I will never lose weight.
Something bad always happens to me at this time of the year.
If you have read the previous section, you already know that these negative thoughts create your feelings, beliefs and experiences. If you examine your life now and find that you are experiencing all the things that you do not desire in your life, take time out to check out what you have been affirming.
To continue reading this and more.... visit www.hellogoodlove.com. It's free to read and free to share.
Now, that you have a fairly good idea of what this blog is all about, I can start posting new stuff.
Create the love you want
Have you ever resolved to start a new life only to find the same situation following you?
Same impossible boss. Same scheming co-workers. Same unhappy relationship. Same uncaring, insensitive boyfriend. Can the same people be following you?
There is an old story of a gatekeeper of a town who was approached by a traveler looking for a new place to settle in. The traveler said to the gatekeeper, “I am thinking of moving to your town”. The gatekeeper replied, “How was your old town?” The traveler said, “Oh, it's disgusting. The people are rude and unfriendly”. The gatekeeper said, “ It is amazing but those are the exact words I would use to describe the people here. It would be better to look for another place”. So the traveler went on.
A second traveler approached the gatekeeper. He also wanted to move to a new town. The gatekeeper asked, “How was your old town?” “Oh, the people are great. They are kind, generous and friendly”, replied the traveler. The gatekeeper said, “That is amazing. Those are the same words I would use to describe the people here. Please come in and stay with us for a while”.
Wherever you go, you take yourself with you
The gatekeeper knew, “ Wherever you go, you take yourself with you”
If certain scenarios keep showing up in your life it may be time to examine yourself. Remember, in all of these scenarios, there is one common ingredient: you. So you are not stuck in the scenarios, you are stuck with you!
If you think your life is not the kind of life you deserve, if you think the relationship that you have is not the kind that you want to have, if you think that the man you are with now is not the person you should be with, it may be time to examine yourself. Examine closely the role that you play in your life and your relationships that cause these scenes to be repeatedly played out.
The ancient Greeks advocated, “Know thyself”. Truly, this adage is as useful now as it was in those times.
Can you imagine how truly different your life would be if you take time out as often as you can to examine yourself. At the end of the day, ask yourself some simple questions.
How did I spend my time today?
Was I a positive person today?
Did I bring cheer to the people I encountered today?
Did I treat the people around me fairly?
Did I show love to my man today?
The answers that you give will give you a deeper awareness of yourself and of others.
Most of us spend a lot of time examining other people’s lives and situations – but rarely pause to ponder our own. If we find ourselves in a bad relationship, we rarely stop and say, “What role have I played to make this happen?” Instead, we spend a great deal of our time, and our friends’ time figuring the other person’s role.
A long time ago, I read an article that said the world is your mirror; your life is a reflection of yourself. If you want the mirror to reflect the kind of life and love that you feel you deserve, you have to work on yourself.
And as you do that, it is important to remember that wherever you go, you take yourself with you. Whichever relationship you get yourself into, you take yourself with you.
The road to good love
I have heard not a few women say that they have given up on love. They have no luck in love and that the only men they seem to encounter are insensitive, lying, cheating bastards. And to worsen things, the chances of them meeting another insensitive, lying, cheating bastard is 99%.
Do you share these thoughts?
Have you ever wondered why other women (whom you think are not as attractive, smart and interesting as you) are blessed with wonderful relationships and you have been denied?
Do you have this fear that your next relationship will turn out to be as bad as the last and it will just be a cycle of one bad love after another.
If someone tells you that you have denied good love to yourself, that you yourself created this cycle of bad love yourself, what would you say?
I think you would say, “ Of course not. Why would I want to be in a bad relationship? I want to be with a good man in a good relationship.”
Do you, really?
Your thoughts can create a new reality
A guru once said, “Man is what he thinks about all day long”.
How true. When you constantly think that your life is a struggle, you experience more struggles. When you focus on how depressed you are, you feel even more depressed. When you think that your relationship is going nowhere the more it seems to lose direction.
Your thoughts are extremely powerful. Every thought is a biochemical impulse. It is energy. The strongest thoughts create the strongest impressions in our mental atmosphere. By having the same thoughts over and over, they produce a groove in our psyche. The energy of our thoughts design our attitudes and those same thoughts attract the conditions and situations that we have been constantly thinking about.
Your thoughts can create just as it can change things. Your conscious mind makes a decision on what it wants. You attach an emotion to it and if you keep focus on your thoughts, your subconscious mind molds the Energy around you into the shape that you want.
So if your thoughts are full of negativity, that’s exactly what you will get. If you constantly think that your relationship never works, it will never work. Or if you desire for your relationship to work but you have this constant fear that it might not, you will get the same result. It will never work.
Fear is something that you have to constantly guard against. Fear is simply belief that what you want won’t happen. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you focus your mind on what you don’t want, you are impressing your mind with that very thing. Your subconscious mind sees what you are focused on, what you feel very strongly about and delivers it to you. Your inner mind cannot reason. It does not realize that it has given you what you do not want. It just created what you were envisioning with your conscious thoughts.
How do you make the power of your thoughts create the kind of love that you want?
First of all, it is important to have a child-like belief that the Universe wants you to have a happy, satisfying life. It gives you whatever you ask for. You just have to state to the Universe that you want it.
With your conscious mind, focus on what you want, your new decision, your new choice. If you have fears that it will not happen, do not worry. This is normal. With constant practice and perseverance, you can get the fear and negativity out of your mind.
You want a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship? Fill your mind with these thoughts. Feel yourself having it. Whenever you find yourself negating it, consciously substitute it with your new choice. Then trust your subconscious to mold the Energy to give you what you want. By giving your subconscious the direction and having enough faith to let go, you give it the power to manifest what you want.
This does not mean you just sit around in your home waiting for good love to come by. You have to do all you can to prepare for it. Go out. Circulate. See and be seen. The only difference now is that your negative thoughts and fears that you’ll never meet the right person is gone. It has been replaced with a positive thought that you will get only good love. And you believe that your creative mind is doing its own work.
Believe that you are worthy
To attract good love into your life, you must believe that you deserve it and nothing less will be acceptable to you. This is where your self-image and self-esteem come in. No matter how hard you try to have positive thoughts (example, attracting good love, health, prosperity, relationship), if deep inside you, you feel inadequate and undeserving, you will have difficulty attracting the good into your life. Beliefs such as, “I really don’t deserve this”, “I would not know how to handle it if I get it”, “This is what I deserve”, negate all your positive thoughts. And like all your negative thoughts, they also become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Psychologists say that our self-esteem is shaped at the age of five. At this age, you naturally become more assertive and active. Your family’s reactions to the choices you made were important in shaping your self-image. If they encouraged your efforts, applauding your successes, you learned that you could carry things out successfully. If they discouraged your efforts and you were often criticized and punished, you learned that taking the initiative isn’t the best thing to do. If you grew up in this kind of environment, you turn out to be indecisive, or you hide your talents, or you blame yourself when things go wrong. It isn’t just your family that determines how you look at yourself. Your friends, all the positive and the negative things, events that happen in your life all help shape your self-esteem.
Having a positive self-esteem should not be confused with being self-centered, being a braggart or acting superior. Far from being healthy, these are attempts to hide negative feelings of self.
What can you do to improve your self-esteem?
One way to improve your self-esteem is to take conscious control of your self-talk. These are the things that you constantly say to yourself, as well as the meanings you attach to the events that happen in your life.
“I look horrible.”
“I am so fat. I will never lose weight.”
“Nobody wants me.”
Thoughts and words like these are very destructive and self-defeating. Notice that people who constantly say these things to themselves live a life that is a reflection of their self-talk.
One excellent way to overcome negative self-talk is to use positive affirmations. Say things to yourself like:
“I like myself.”
“I am happy with myself.”
“I am a positive person and I live a positive life.”
“I am a wonderful person and I deserve to be loved.”
“I love myself and I accept love, peace, happiness into my life”
Repeat these words to yourself throughout the day. You can write then down and read them to yourself several times a day. Better still, say them out loud to yourself. Say them with enthusiasm, feeling the positive emotions surging through your body.
You can even go one step forward and record yourself speaking, with some soothing music in the background. Then play this tape when you sleep or whenever there is opportunity. You will be amazed at how this simple exercise can dramatically change the way you feel about yourself.
Appreciate to create more
When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, what is it that you like the most about yourself? Surely, there must be something. Do you like your skin? Your eyes? Your mouth? Your built? Your feet?
Try appreciating and praising it everyday and see what happens. I have tried doing this with my hair. I liked its thickness, its length, its sheen. Everyday, when I look at myself in the mirror, I admire and appreciate how my hair frames my face and how it makes me look and feel better. Over the few weeks, I noticed that my hair has responded very favorably to my appreciation. It has more bounce and it has remained healthy even if I subject it to styling and coloring aids.
Whatever you appreciate in your life expands. By appreciating something means you recognize its high value and the benefits that you receive. And the more you appreciate the more its worth multiply. You can easily see this happening in your daily life. When your man praises your cooking, don’t you want to do more of it? Don’t you start buying or reading cookbooks to try out new recipes? Now think of how you reacted when he criticized your new hairstyle, your new dress, your new make-up? Didn’t it make you angry, unhappy, unappreciated? Didn’t it make you lose confidence in trying out new hairstyles and new looks?
Criticism contracts energy while appreciation allows it to expand. To create more of what you want, appreciate what you already have. The principle applies no matter what you desire in your life. If you want better health, find something good about your health. If you want a better job, appreciate whatever makes you happy in your present job. If you want a good relationship to come your way, appreciate your relationship with yourself, with your family, with your friends. Rejoice in their company; appreciate that you are not alone. In a relationship now, but you want to see some improvement? Find something that makes you happy now. Fun together? Security? Freedom? Companionship? You may not like everything about the relationship now but your task is simply to pick one or two that you can give thanks to. Of course, if after careful thought and consideration, you couldn’t find anything worth appreciating, you may be in the wrong relationship in the first place. You may be better off just moving on to find a new one.
What about criticizing what you don’t want in your life? If criticizing contracts the Energy to create, would criticizing the things we don’t want make them go away? For example, if you constantly complain about not having enough money, why don’t you experience the opposite and have more money? Or if you constantly moan about your luck in meeting undesirable, lying, cheating bastards, why don’t you meet nice, sensitive, good looking, faithful, successful, knight in shining armor (ok, that’s too much!).
Remember, energy flows where attention goes. By constantly pouring negative emotion on what you want, you are making your lack grow. You are contracting the energy of money; you are contracting the energy of good men. Don’t waste your valuable energy on being critical of areas in your life that you don’t want.
Next time you look in the mirror, don’t focus on the new wrinkle that just appeared in your forehead. Concentrate on how your eyes sparkle when you give your killer signature smile. Next time, when you go out and all you meet are men with “loser” stamped in their foreheads, don’t despair. Give thanks that you get so many opportunities to meet men of different varieties, that when you finally meet the “right” one, you will appreciate him better.
Take time to do nothing
One of the best, but often forgotten, things that you can do in life is simply to find time for yourself. Consider yourself important enough to take time out to do nothing – just being with yourself, with no goals, no expectations. In this age where being stressed out is the norm, spending quiet time with yourself is a luxury. And it is a luxury that we sometimes don’t wish to indulge in. Because we are used to being with people at work and at play, we feel a certain panic when we suddenly find ourselves alone. Instead of delighting in our own company, we interpret being alone as lonely and miserable. When we find ourselves out with no booked activity on a Friday or a weekend, we feel a certain fear that we might be losing out on something by being out of touch with the outside world.
Spending time with yourself can and should be a very enriching experience. Allow yourself some private moments when you can just lie down, wonder and ponder about life. There is no agenda, no conclusions needed-let your thoughts freely wander. This will give you great insights to your life, your worries, your concerns, your dreams. Many people have turned to meditation to achieve balance in their life. But if you feel you are not ready for this exercise yet, you can simply give yourself some “stops” any time of the day or before you retire to bed. Try closing your eyes and take a deep breath. Focus your attention on your breathing. Think of your concerns and worries and imagine them melting away as you breathe out. You can do this every time you feel stressed out.
You can also try meditation. When done properly, meditation allows you to center yourself spiritually and will provide you with a positive flow of energy. There are a lot of books and resources on meditation. But if you are keen to start soon, you will find the Meditation 101 useful.
The end result of all these exercises is a calm and balanced mind. When you are balanced, you are more focused and you are able to deal with your life’s issues on a more positive level. To be able to manifest the things in your life through affirmation and visualization (more on this later), a clear and balanced mind is essential.
You can have the love you want:
The power of affirmation and visualization
If you have been reading self-empowerment or self-development books, chances are you have heard about affirmations and visualization. In sales and marketing, these principles are widely taught to help the revenue producers achieve their goals. But even if you are not even remotely connected to sales, you can still use the power of affirmation and visualization manifest the things that you desire in your life- including the kind of love that you feel you deserve.
Say “I am beautiful” and believe it
Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud “I am beautiful!”
How did you feel?
Did you feel natural doing it? Did you feel a positive urge of energy running through you? Most of all, did you believe what you said?
Or did you feel a lump in your throat form as if an inner voice is saying, “Get real!!” Did you feel vain, narcissistic or you can’t simply figure out how you feel, but you know it did not feel right?
If you are uncomfortable saying, “I am beautiful” to yourself, you are not alone. A lot of us have trouble with this. Most societies and cultures do not advocate praising yourself; if you do this, you will be regarded as vain, proud and full of yourself. If a little girl stares at herself in the mirror and say “I am beautiful”, chances are, her mother (unless she is an advocate of positive thoughts herself) would censure her. Growing up, the child learns that she shouldn’t say this. If she tries when she’s older, she is fighting with all the negative thoughts in her mind. It is like trying to get rid of old chewing gum stuck under your shoe. If you are in this state, you would do well to go back to that section on “believe you are worthy”. Starting with positive affirmations like “I like myself” every morning can ease your graduation to “I am beautiful”.
The beauty that I am talking about here is not the beauty of “supermodel” and “cover girl types. Of course, if you are blessed with such physical gifts, you are lucky. After all, being gorgeous never hurts. What I am talking about here is the beauty that emanates from you. No matter how you look like there is beauty inside you that is waiting to be released. Believe me, I am not just trying to be kind to the less endowed.
Have you ever wondered why some women whom you considered as “borderline” cases (short for almost ugly, and you were being kind) manage to get their fair share of attention from men? How often have you seen an “unattractive woman” in your standards being showered with so much love and attention by a man who wouldn’t even give you a second look?
I have often wondered about the mystique of these women myself. But now I think I have found the reason for their “attraction”. They are not beautiful (by the usual standards) but they radiate beauty! They believe they are beautiful beings that deserve the best in life. They are happy with themselves. Their looks aren’t perfect but their confidence and “no hang-up” approach to life attracts men. The positive energy that this self-confidence brings is infections. Remember that the world is your mirror. It simply reflects the way you feel about yourself.
You can radiate the same kind of beauty by building it up within yourself. Try saying “I am beautiful” while smiling to yourself in the mirror and before you retire to bed. Do this while appreciating the features that you like in your face, in your body.
I shared this “I am beautiful” exercise with a friend who has been overweight for some time. After a few weeks of doing affirmations, she was pleasantly surprised when her friends and colleagues started saying she was glowing and she looked younger. Some even said she was sexy, despite her weight.
After you have become comfortable with telling yourself you are beautiful, you can gradually ease into using affirmations as part of your daily life. You can add other things to say apart from “ I am beautiful”. You can start saying, “I am fit and healthy” if you want to lose weight. A good friend who believes in the power of affirmations swears by saying, “I look 10 years younger than my age” as the secret to her very youthful looks.
Make affirmations work for you
There is nothing complex about affirmations.
Affirmations are simply what we say or think. They are your statements about you and your outlook in life. It can be a means to skillfully transform the Energy in this Universe to manifest what we want in life.
The root word of affirmation is affirm, which means to validate, confirm, state positively.
Unfortunately, and maybe unconsciously, we use negative affirmations all the time. Are these familiar?
I hate myself
I look horrible
I hate my job
How can I do that? I am so stupid?
I am so unlucky. I meet all the horrible men all the time.
I will never lose weight.
Something bad always happens to me at this time of the year.
If you have read the previous section, you already know that these negative thoughts create your feelings, beliefs and experiences. If you examine your life now and find that you are experiencing all the things that you do not desire in your life, take time out to check out what you have been affirming.
To continue reading this and more.... visit www.hellogoodlove.com. It's free to read and free to share.
Now, that you have a fairly good idea of what this blog is all about, I can start posting new stuff.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Every Woman Deserves Good Love.. Nothing Less
Welcome to the Eternal Search for Good Love...
As much as I am so excited to start blogging about "good love", I feel I need to explain what I mean by "good love" and how this concept came to evolve.
Many years ago, when I was new in the game of love, I went out with a loser with a capital L. Ok, make that a few losers.
One was a totally clueless insensitive guy who methodically forgets birthdays and anniversaries.
One was obsessively jealous; always checking up on me, always suspicious. On the verge of being violent.
One was severely lacking in ambition and direction in life.
One had a lot of hang-ups, always talking about how great his life was. And worse, he was always talking about an ex-girlfriend who had dumped him for, no surprises, for a much better man.
In other words, I had an almost endless parade of losers who just made me feel unhappy most of the time. I was always wanting and searching for the Next One.
Faced with this situation, I did what most sensible woman would do: talk it to death. My talk partner during this period was a very sweet, sensitive guy who's almost like a woman. I mean, we will dissect every single thing that bothers us about our respective relationships and formulate our own love "theories" that will put even Dr. Gray to shame. In one of these endless discussions, we decided that I was in a "bad loving" relationship: I was in love but I was unhappy: sometimes with myself, sometimes with my man, most of the time with the relationship. It made so much sense to me, that I never forgot it.
From then on, I resolved never to be trapped into another "bad loving" relationship. I made a conscious effort to pursue only "good loving" that after some time, I was almost automatically attuned to it.
Fast forward to Year 2000. I was so enamored with the "Good Love" idea that I decided to pen my thoughts and my experiences, int he hope that, well, I'll make a few bucks out of it. LOL. No, seriously, I thought it was something that I needed to share because I personally know of a lot of women who are going through hell in their relationships.
The result was a book titled "Hello, Good Love: The Art of Finding, Attracting, and Keeping the Love you Want Without Losing Yourself". I had very good reviews from women who have read it. Some say it changed the way they viewed love and life. Some said that they managed to find "good love' because of the book.
To be honest, (at the risk of losing your precious readership) I am no Dr. Grey. I am not a therapist. I am not a shrink.
So, what business do you have writing a book about love and dishing advice??? Who is going to buy your stuff? Who is going to publish it?(Me berating myself, when I decided to write a book)
Guess, what! I did find a publisher and the books sold. It was a minor bestseller, in fact. It is also often out of circulation in the libraries even though it wasn't promoted at all. Just word of mouth. (Me bragging now:)
Going back to who gave me the guts to write a book and approach a publisher?
Well, as I have said earlier, I am no Dr. Gray. My training is in business. I have an MBA and my work experiences had always been in the field of business and some commercial publishing.
BUT... I think my real passion is in understanding man amd woman relationships. Finding out what makes it tick. What irks men. What irks women. How to stay in love....blah blah blah.
Event though I am no shrink, I find that I could have excelled as one had I decided to pursue this career. My husband is always amazed at how I manage to get people to tell me their innermost secrets, desires, longings, frustrations, ..... without my prodding. One time, a client whom I have just made a presentation to told me that he was divorced and that his ex-wife had affairs, prompting him to call his divorce laywer. A fellow dinner guest, after having chatted with me for a good three minutes proceeded to tell me that his wife suffers from cystic fibrosis and that this is affecting their relationship. One time, I was in a dinner when the elegant lady seated next to me, started telling me that her biggest mistake in life was marrying her husband. Dud!!
Now, don't get me wrong. My book isn't a product of all these dinner tales. I have also spent a great deal doing honest-to-goodness research. I think I must have spent my handbags and shoes allowance buying all the relationship guru books and learning from them. Some I found too idealistic and difficult to implement as they require a saint-like attitude. Others are written in heavy prose that only an english major could appreciate.
So, I decided to write my own. I hope you will find time to take a look at th ebook I have painstakingly put together. BUT, a big, big BUT. I don't claim to be an authority. My goal is to simply share what worked for me and for other women, strangers mostly, who told me it changed their lives. When in doubt, just take it with a grain of salt. Or consult a real guru.
Ok. Keep that credit card now. I am not trying to sell the book to you. You can read it for free, online. Here's the link: www.hellogoodlove.com. Of course, if you would like to get the paperback version, you are most welcome:)
Just to give you an idea of what this life-changing:) book is all about, I will run a few excerpts in my next post.
As much as I am so excited to start blogging about "good love", I feel I need to explain what I mean by "good love" and how this concept came to evolve.
Many years ago, when I was new in the game of love, I went out with a loser with a capital L. Ok, make that a few losers.
One was a totally clueless insensitive guy who methodically forgets birthdays and anniversaries.
One was obsessively jealous; always checking up on me, always suspicious. On the verge of being violent.
One was severely lacking in ambition and direction in life.
One had a lot of hang-ups, always talking about how great his life was. And worse, he was always talking about an ex-girlfriend who had dumped him for, no surprises, for a much better man.
In other words, I had an almost endless parade of losers who just made me feel unhappy most of the time. I was always wanting and searching for the Next One.
Faced with this situation, I did what most sensible woman would do: talk it to death. My talk partner during this period was a very sweet, sensitive guy who's almost like a woman. I mean, we will dissect every single thing that bothers us about our respective relationships and formulate our own love "theories" that will put even Dr. Gray to shame. In one of these endless discussions, we decided that I was in a "bad loving" relationship: I was in love but I was unhappy: sometimes with myself, sometimes with my man, most of the time with the relationship. It made so much sense to me, that I never forgot it.
From then on, I resolved never to be trapped into another "bad loving" relationship. I made a conscious effort to pursue only "good loving" that after some time, I was almost automatically attuned to it.
Fast forward to Year 2000. I was so enamored with the "Good Love" idea that I decided to pen my thoughts and my experiences, int he hope that, well, I'll make a few bucks out of it. LOL. No, seriously, I thought it was something that I needed to share because I personally know of a lot of women who are going through hell in their relationships.
The result was a book titled "Hello, Good Love: The Art of Finding, Attracting, and Keeping the Love you Want Without Losing Yourself". I had very good reviews from women who have read it. Some say it changed the way they viewed love and life. Some said that they managed to find "good love' because of the book.To be honest, (at the risk of losing your precious readership) I am no Dr. Grey. I am not a therapist. I am not a shrink.
So, what business do you have writing a book about love and dishing advice??? Who is going to buy your stuff? Who is going to publish it?(Me berating myself, when I decided to write a book)
Guess, what! I did find a publisher and the books sold. It was a minor bestseller, in fact. It is also often out of circulation in the libraries even though it wasn't promoted at all. Just word of mouth. (Me bragging now:)
Going back to who gave me the guts to write a book and approach a publisher?
Well, as I have said earlier, I am no Dr. Gray. My training is in business. I have an MBA and my work experiences had always been in the field of business and some commercial publishing.
BUT... I think my real passion is in understanding man amd woman relationships. Finding out what makes it tick. What irks men. What irks women. How to stay in love....blah blah blah.
Event though I am no shrink, I find that I could have excelled as one had I decided to pursue this career. My husband is always amazed at how I manage to get people to tell me their innermost secrets, desires, longings, frustrations, ..... without my prodding. One time, a client whom I have just made a presentation to told me that he was divorced and that his ex-wife had affairs, prompting him to call his divorce laywer. A fellow dinner guest, after having chatted with me for a good three minutes proceeded to tell me that his wife suffers from cystic fibrosis and that this is affecting their relationship. One time, I was in a dinner when the elegant lady seated next to me, started telling me that her biggest mistake in life was marrying her husband. Dud!!
Now, don't get me wrong. My book isn't a product of all these dinner tales. I have also spent a great deal doing honest-to-goodness research. I think I must have spent my handbags and shoes allowance buying all the relationship guru books and learning from them. Some I found too idealistic and difficult to implement as they require a saint-like attitude. Others are written in heavy prose that only an english major could appreciate.
So, I decided to write my own. I hope you will find time to take a look at th ebook I have painstakingly put together. BUT, a big, big BUT. I don't claim to be an authority. My goal is to simply share what worked for me and for other women, strangers mostly, who told me it changed their lives. When in doubt, just take it with a grain of salt. Or consult a real guru.
Ok. Keep that credit card now. I am not trying to sell the book to you. You can read it for free, online. Here's the link: www.hellogoodlove.com. Of course, if you would like to get the paperback version, you are most welcome:)
Just to give you an idea of what this life-changing:) book is all about, I will run a few excerpts in my next post.
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